Pencil crayons, digital colouring.

An existential visual conversation with Abby Ho dedicated to our general dislike for celebrating our birthday and mutual feeling of being lost. This was originally an Instagram series, which you can view here.

what kind of adult do you wish to be?

m // my goal was already their promise. and now my goal is to make their promise come true.

re: in the process of discovering who you want to be and becoming who you’re meant to be.

a: i want to be the kind of person whose inner self touches the ends of her physical self. i know I’m becoming that.

re: becoming the person we wish to be and aligning our multiple selves. an ongoing journey of trust.

when did it click that you’ve become an adult?

m: throwing questions. smiling. nodding. then smiling lots. pretending to care. an expectation to each other, part of being a part of. a habit.

re: mundane acts with no guaranteed results.

a: it really clicked when I realized how my actions affected others - how my words and actions impact more than myself.

re: a drop, sometimes even a small drop creates a ripple; how do we find calmness in the ripple; like the waves splashing then trickling, washing sand over rocks, then retrieving back.

why do you feel lost?

m: because i don’t know where. because i have an expectation and i’m carrying theirs. because i don’t know how. because you can’t hold on forever. because i just want to know.

re: in the end, the countless possibilities and the desire to know the future look quite similar.

a: being lost for me is exploring the endless paths, holding both the uncertainty and the freedom. the heaviest part is managing expectations and being responsible.

re: eventually our uncertain choices from the numerous will lead somewhere, they were meant to happen. but to walk with confidence, we must trust ourselves more.

what are you most proud of? / what are you most fearful of?

m: navigating unknown worlds. that even with fear, i know i can move forward.

re: you brave soul for more than one reason.

a: an (irrational) fear of being too dependant.

re: that every person depends on another. like roots growing, waves flowing. we all need each other.

what have you learned so far?

m: nothing stays forever. don’t dwell. things come and leave, while things leave and come. everything is a cycle.

re: continuous cycles of feelings, events, lessons, things.

a: things always come back to you after awhile. pay it forward.

re: take pauses, slow down; and remember to not be too hard on yourself and always take care.

what do you want to tell your 20 year old self?

m: they’re not as important as you think...an ongoing reminder to current me.

re: a yearly effort to give less shits.

a: bb, you can dream bigger dreams.

re: yes you can, bb abby. and just remember to not be too hard on yourself.

what intentions are you bringing for the upcoming year?

m: to care and believe. and to trust and love.

re: when you’re unsure or wary, remember the ripple effects of great things that come out of your leaps of faith.

a: upcoming intentions - to love a little more; to strive a little harder. to be a little more curious; and to be a little less late.

re: to tell yourself to grow, is to be closer to the you that you wish to become.

what is your first impression of each other?

m: patience for my impatience; a trust, an honesty, an understanding i trust; care i can give back; different yet similar, and really appreciate.

me: a small rock with something to share.

a: i found a companion along a similar journey. grateful for this bean especially for her patience with me, advice, taste, and trust.

me: growing to share this land. to be a companion to keep growing together.